So with that said…I will be moving my blog over to Blogger. Find me at http://jokersatx.blogspot.com/

Laugh at Joker

Ladies, I don’t have to tell you that this is serious business. The majority of my bloggerfriends who are women already know this. And quite honestly? I am thankful for this. I have had many family members been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I have seen a few of my dearest Aunts be succumbed to it. Not because they couldn’t get proper treatment, but because they could not get proper treatment “IN TIME” and that’s the key. If detected early enough proper treatment can be given and a full and enriched life can be had.

The people who I have to remind are my fellow male readers! I don’t really understand why this is such a taboo subject for the guys? Let’s face it here and now. Every heterosexual male on the planet has a vested interest in keeping their ladies and the girls they carry, healthy! You all think that this picture I have posted here may be funny. In all actuality, this picture is closer to truth than you think. C’mon guys! Here is an opportunity…no, an excuse even! To tell that prudish woman you love that you are just making sure for medical purposes!

To the ladies reading this post, yeah, I know what you are saying. Leave it to the Joker to bring everything down to a Sexual nature. Leave it to the Joker to take something as serious as breast cancer awareness and to sink it to new depths of depravity. But I am not talking to you am I? I am talking to the guys here. You know we are dogs. You call us worse every day…I mean you know that calling us names like Dick-Head are compliments right? So, I figured, why not discuss the topic in a language that guys can understand. Here is an opportunity for us to grope those babies and use the excuse to check out if everything is OK.

I mean really, wouldn’t you be appreciative if your guy came up and said, “Baby, would it be OK if I checked you out for Breast Cancer?” And once both of you agree that there is nothing there then you can continue with the groping that leads you to other things.

I can say things like this today, you know why? Because not only is it “Boobie-Wednesday” as some of my female bloggers call it…sometimes they shorten it to “BoobieWed”. But it is also Hump Day. And for those of you who get offended by me talking about Hump-Day, I will say this, I get offended by you ignoring Hump Day for other stupid shit like Obama’s Birth Certificate or the War in Libya or the war on Terror. I say, that if we all would be humping there would be no time for that crap. What do you say to that now?

So Ladies, do yourself a favor and check yourself out or better yet let your guy help you check them out. And Guys, don’t be squeemish about it. The ladies know we are pigs and are gonna be pigs about it. Cop that feel, and do it not only for your own gratification but also to help your lady out. C’mon, you know you want to, she knows you want to…and she is lying to you if she says she doesn’t want you to…because we all know she does….

Laugh at Joker

It was Postman Art’s last day on the Job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift check for $500.00.

At the second house they presented him with fine Cuban cigars and an 18K gold box.

The folks at the 3rd house handed him a case of 30 year old whiskey.

At the 4th house he was met by a blonde in her lingerie.She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs into the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he ever had. When he had had enough they went downstairs. Then the blonde fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, bacon, tomatoes, sausage, toast and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied with breakfast she poured him a nice steaming cup of coffee. As she was pouring he noticed a $5.00 bill stick out from under the coffee cup’s bottom edge.

“All of this was just too wonderful for words”, he exclaimed. “What’s the five dollars for?”

“Well”, said the blonde, “Last night I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what we should give you.”

He said, “Screw him, give him Five Dollars.”

She smiled prettily, “The breakfast was my idea.”

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I mean he even has special insurance for the occasion because anything can happen. He goes from house to house to crap out the jelly beans and the chocolate bunnies for the kiddies and what does he get? Nothin…no recognition whatsoever. And even for a guy like me, that’s cold!

This year is a subdued Easter here at Arkham simply because we’re missing one of our little jesters this year. Yeah, we let him out for a while to go explore sites elsewhere. Sure, he comes home today but it’s still not the same as having all the jesters here for the morning celebration. It is amazing to me how quickly we put people in the “I miss you so much” category when they are gone. Memo to me to spend more time with that little Jester more often. After all, I miss annoying him no end and can’t wait until he gets home to start my shenanigans with him.

So, unfortunately, this year we did not endeavor to do our annual easter egg coloring contest. I had a few ideas I wanted to try. Some of my ideas don’t go over so big though. It seems that others get insanely jealous of my creations. I just try to do the best I can with the warped mind I have and as we all know I am insatiable in one aspect of life so I just figure, “lets run with it”. But alas no. However, I am happy to report that we will be having our annual Easter egg hunt where each of my little jesters get their own “Cascarones” I will have confetti here at Arkham for months on end. Actually, I am quite surprised that I don’t have confetti left over from last year. The warden likes the asylum clean I guess.

The one aspect of Easter that will be in abundance of course, will be the candy. My little jokers are going to be poster children for tooth decay. And that kind of scares me. I mean really, you think health insurance is tough to get? Try dental. Nope, there is no such thing for the members of the Asylum and unfortunately, that forces us to visit the evil Easter Bunny DDS.

DDS standing for “DisRobed Dental Scumbag”. I mean, you really have to be careful with this guy. He has absolutely no morals whatsoever. Does what he wants and charges a mint for it. What scares me really is when he knocks me out. Every single time he does, I wake up and he is always getting dressed. Not a good scene whatsoever.

How much is the DDS hated? I tell my wife Kurly_Kwinn that we need to go take a visit after every Easter and she gives me the usual…. Blow Me! Attitude. So already, I know it will be a challenge for everyone. I mean, I don’t want to go. The little jokers don’t want to go. Kurly_Kwinn tells me to fuck off. But you know what? We have to go. I just make sure I have plenty of Lube for whatever it is that he is going to do to me and for when I receive the bill. It is what it is I guess.

So we will party. We will drink and be merry. The kids are happy because they can crush eggs on my skull full of confetti and actually get away with it. Life is good! Until next year. We should have the neighbors screaming! It will be a laugh riot!

I think that for next year I will propose having and Easter egg Dying contest….

I wonder how big that will go over?…..

Laugh at Joker

See? This Joker is a Diest. Yes, I believe in a power (if we want to call it God for convenience sake it’s ok) that created everything there is. That is my hope that such a power exists and can explain the order of things. Just because I don’t understand it’s workings makes no difference. I believe this power exists. Now the difference between me and Christians and every other Religion out there is that I do not bend God to my will. I don’t write elaborate rules and schemes that God will follow in order to save me. I mean really. Original Sin? Generations are gonna be punished because of what a pair of asswipes in paradise allegedly did thousands of years ago? What kind of God is this? Sure, he can create the universe. He can create life itself. But he needs to set up an elaborate scheme to save his chosen species because they fucked it up to begin with. I am willing to bet that the Kal-Dracians of the third planet of the Alpha Centari Galaxy are gonna be pissed that they did not get this much attention from God. Oh, I am sorry, I forgot, we are the only life that exists in this ENTIRE UNIVERSE. (Insert sarcasm)And what I think is funny is that this was God’s second attempt. The first time he tried to wipe us out by creating a big flood. Then he chose what he thought was best in men, (Noah and his family) and today, we are no better. We are still as corrupt as ever. We screw each other over to take advantage. Killing if necessary.

So, what we do is that we take this guy who proclaims to be the direct “Son of God” and we kill him. And now we have a bunch of logical well meaning adults running around saying that they want to be saved because they will believe that this story actually happened. I guess this is the good part of Good Friday. Let’s face it, I want to see anyone take over the part of Christ and tell me what’s good about it. Mind you, no other text or writing in recorded human history has this story. There are no other documents to back up the Bible. And what is worse, is that they go around trying to shove this dogma in other people’s lives. My point here is that I see the Bible as manipulative. I believe that a bunch of guys set it up in order to control people for generations.

You know what? I have been finding out lately that many people think the way I do. They are just afraid to come out and say it because of the ramifications. Because they will be excluded from the community. Think our way or perish seems to be the message. Whether you perish like those of 9-11 or by silently being excluded from everything will differ based on the religion that is enacting the sentence. And I have also been thinking to myself. What if it is all indeed true. What if, when I go to meet my maker I get handed the truth and find out that I am truly going to perish in Hell for all eternity.

You know what? I will go willingly. Yeah, that’s right…you read it here. I will look my maker in the eye and let him kindly know that I, as imperfect as I am, could come up with a better plan not even knowing the extent of his omnipotent powers. So, if I could do it, He should have been able to. And then I ask myself, do I really want to follow that which I can out think?

I am putting Las Vegas odds that I am right. See, I observe. I observe that there is a natural order to things. Gravity works a certain way. The way chemicals mix, works a certain way. Nature itself adapts a certain way. True, we may not know what those ways are…yet. But, we are becoming smarter and understanding more. We are evolving and adapting. So I am so curious as to why we have the ability to adapt our environment but have problems adapting our thinking? And trust me, I get sick and tired of people telling me that it is all part of a plan. I am going to laugh my ass off when we all get there and there is no “Plan”. Right now, methinks that the odds are in my favor based on everything I am seeing.

Pipe in…What’s your take on all of this? What part of the craps table are you placing your chips? Is today really Good Friday for the reasons you believe in, or for that Beer or Margarita at the end of the day?

Laugh at Joker

There are two things you want from a female Jehovah’s Witness, especially if they are hot looking.

1} You want to get in their pants as quickly and as often as possible

or

2} You want them to leave you alone.

Can we agree on these two points? Well, this Joker has devised a fool-proof method of getting either one or the other. When they come to my door, the conversation usually goes a lot like this:

Joker: Well, hello there!

HLFJW(Hot Looking Female Jehovah’s Witness): Hi, my name is Susie Believer and I am here today to spread the word of God, are you aware of our church of the Jehovah’s Witness?

Now, keep in mind that Female Jehovah’s Witnesses never travel solo, they usually come in pairs. So what is on this sick Joker’s mind? Yep, you guessed it…a potential threesome!

Joker: Yes I am very aware of your church but I am very reluctant to join it.

HLFJW: Oh? Why so?

Joker: Because I don’t believe that you actually believe in your faith.

HLFJW: Well, that is not true. I feel I am very strong in my faith.

Joker: Are both of you willing to try my test of faith?

HLFJW: If we pass it, what do we get?

Joker: You get a convert for as long as your faith stays strong. I would be more than willing to follow your example.

HLFJW(with a smile on her face): OK, what is it?

Joker: I would be willing to join your church and aspire to be it’s number 1 advocate, if you would be willing to have sex with me once a week for my entire tenure there. Yes, that would be both of you. Together even….

HLFJW(Shocked): I simply can’t do that, I am married and that would be a sin in the eyes of God!

Joker: Just goes to show that faith only goes so far. See? Jesus gave up his body for you. You refuse to reciprocate. And you know He is watching you right now, right? Here was your shot at saving a lost soul in His name and you blew it. I hope He forgives you and that your faith isn’t rocked to it’s foundation…….

With that I gently close my door here at Arkham knowing full well that the discussion is over. I will see the next batch of Hot Looking Jehovah’s Witnesses again in a couple of months I am sure. In the meantime, I go play a round of cards with this crew pictured below knowing full well I will lose because they cheat. Let’s face it, they all know my hand but I have no clue as to theirs.

Laugh at Joker

I will tell you this however. There are a lot of people that tell me I should apply for the quick $5000 in those credit card offers I get in the mail every day. Sure, I am the joker. Clown prince of crime. And I will be the first to tell you that signing up for a credit card would be one of the most criminal things one can do. Not to worry. If I have the cash, i will get it fixed. If I don’t then we go through some pretty rough days for a while until i do have the cash to fix it.

These are some of the trials and tribulations I have to go through to get off the grid. And I will get off the grid. I am defaulting to the last bastion of capitalism there is. If the almighty dollar falls, then i guess we are all screwed. Credit? I won’t touch it. That is why this country is in debt like it is. I produce. I get paid. I buy…in that order. Everyone else can go scratch.

So, all of you keep waiting for the Batman that will never come. This Joker is taking over. But I still wish April would end already…..

Laugh At Joker

See? I did. I had to. That was the speed at which my server needed me to give him the order. I received condescending looks from him because I continuously fumbled through “Venti Double Coffee Carmel Frappuccino”. So, I took my time and enunciated the phrase correctly. This is when I noticed that I was getting the same, “You must be new to Starbucks” look from the other patrons there.

Well, excuse me. It seems that this Joker just doesn’t have his Starbucks vernacular in the proper practice. I must be one of those slum, low economic people that does not have the monetary funds to order coffee’s from Starbucks on a regular basis, hence the reason why I am not accustomed to pronouncing their long complicated coffee names. Maybe next time I should just go get a coffee from Dunkin’ Doughnuts right? That would be more my economic speed so I am led to believe by the reactions I got from both the server and the clientel.

And you know what? I will agree with you mighty Starbucks on this issue. Sure, I may come back to visit you at some point. But until you are able to discern my order through mental telepathy I don’t think I will be coming back. I mean, if you are going to force me to take “Starbucks Ordering Pronunciation Classes” I think I will wait until you get Mental Telepathy down in order for you to pluck my order from my mind. If you are going to make me go up a level and make me work for my order, I think I will hold you accountable as well and have you go up a level to match me.

Until then enjoy the graphic…..

Clear has one of the niftiest technologies going. They have an adapter for laptops that will support both 4G and auto baud down to 3G where necessary. That’s the hook! See? What they advertise is that they are the first to carry 4G technology. But like any good scam marketing department, what they don’t tell you is that 4G isn’t everywhere yet. It’s not even the standard. The US still operates mostly on 3G technology. So, here are the unsuspecting customers, lured in to an agreement for 4G connection via their laptop and they find that it works great here in Gotham. Yay! They are happy!

Then they get on a plane to go visit their cousin in oskosh and all of a sudden….no internet. Nice.

Clear solved this issue by having an adapter (as I said earlier) that auto bauds down to 3G. So it will give you internet connectivity much like a smart phone would today. Albeit, slower than 4G but you are connected. This is a WIN right?

So, back to the events at hand. The Joker walks in looking to get set up.

Joker: “Hi, I am here to get set up with your 4G/3G adapter and your wireless service for my laptop.”

Counter Chic: “Great! I can help with that, let me explain the procedure. Here is the pricing and you will need to pay an activation fee and we will ship you your adapter.”

Joker: “Huh? You don’t have an adapter in stock?”

Counter Chic: “No sir, I am sorry we don’t stock those here.”

Joker: “Does any other Clear store here in Gotham have them in stock?”

Counter Chic: “No sir, you would have to have them shipped to you.”

Joker: “You’re fuckin kidding me?”

Counter Chic: “Excuse me? I don’t appreciate being spoken to in that manner!”

Joker: “You just wasted 20 minutes of my time. Wanting to take my money before giving me any product, to tell me that you will start charging me immediately but I will have to wait to get connected to your service. For this bait and switch, I should kill you…so I think dropping the F-bomb on you was rather lenient!”

And that is when this Joker proceeded to leave the said brick and mortar establishment.

See? the fact that I wasted my time there really didn’t piss me off that much. Also, the fact that they didn’t have the equipment in stock, also didn’t piss me off that much. What does piss me off, even as I am typing this is try to figure out the answer to the following question:

“Why do they have a retail store to begin with?”

So, if anyone from the clear corporation googled themselves and this blog post came up, do this Joker a favor will ya? If you are not going to stock product at your stores. If all you have them there for is to have people take orders, please close your fuckin stores and take the money you are saving in overhead and bring down your prices for the consumer. If we have to get product shipped to us anyway, we will do it over the net…over the phone…whatever. We don’t need to walk into your stores!

Oh, and for your deceptive marketing practices of not divulging all the information until you get the signature on the dotted line? You get the coveted Joker Stamp!

Laugh at Joker

In essence, this really bothers me. Why? Because during this time of confusion for me, I am running into 3 types of people or better said, attitudes.

1} The “I Don’t Give a Shit” attitude

2} The placating attitude

3} Dead Silence

Right now, WordPress is in the lead at getting my attention. I may just close down Livejournal as it stands. Don’t know. What I do know is that this confusion is driving me insane!

I have a lot of questions about WordPress, that no one seems to want to answer. For example, I sometimes use pictures as expressions more than once. Where are these images stored and how much space do I have? I have been looking for answers for this for eons and have not found where I could get them.

Second in line would be Blogger. However, I distinctly remember them pissing me off back in the day and that is why I am gun shy of going there. Things I will be pondering this week.

Laugh at Joker